


Fire Emlbem Three Hamfses

by Dimitrilover1996



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Canon Compliant, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Hands, Het, Hurt/Comfort, No Spoilers, Post-Canon, Red String of Fate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:47:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29302926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dimitrilover1996/pseuds/Dimitrilover1996
Summary: Short and sweet Dimitri x f!byleth hurt/comfort fic for my favorite man and my favorite restaurant. :)
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Fire Emlbem Three Hamfses

Immediately after winning the war by killing [REDACTED FOR SPOILERS], Dimitri and Bitch went to a romantic dinner at the Enbarr Red Lobster which refused to close during the war. But their dinner was the most wonderful special beautiful amazing thing evar because they were celebrating their very progressive small hamfs – big hamfs marriage, which Dimitri vowed to make legal under his rule. Hamf in hamf, they walked into the red Red Lobster building, with its red lobstery walls and nautical flag décor that no one likes. It took them 45 minutes to be seated, not due to the chaos of the war and the active fire in the building caused by Bitch's gang of former child soldiers, but just because Red Lobster is like that. They didn't even get a window seat, which was probably good because there were a lot of glass shards from when Annette smashed every window in Enbarr to get out her daddy issues

The two sat across from each other. Dimitri's cape took up all of his bench and also all of Bitch's, who sat in the corner with her two tiny, tiny hamfs holding the Red Lobster™ menu. It was 45 pages long and very red and very full of lobsters with big meaty hamfs. Dimitri trembled at the edge of his bench, as he was using all his energy to squat just above the seat so not to break it. He stared at the menu on the table with only a hint of PTSD, most of which was completely solved by Bitch's marriage proposal. Bitch stared at him, unblinking with her eyes, unmoving with her fishnetted legs, untalking with her tiny mouf. But Dimitri knew what she was thinking, which was "Please order something, I already know what I'm getting because I know everything because I grinded all of my skills to S rank." But the menu! It was so large but fragile, coated in sticky plastic like a shell hiding a mollusk. But Dimitri's hamfs! They were so big and strong! He could shatter the building with one move of justified rage, because Dimitri was always justified in every action because he fights for the status quo JUSTICE against [REDACTED FOR SPOILERS]. Gingerly, but not in the Slyvain way, he reached out one gauntleted hamf, his metal claws scratching the plastic covering. The single waiter left alive shivered in fear and anticipation, as he had seen Dimitri murder all of his friends but also seen too many indecisive customers. But finally! Dimitri grasped the menu like he had dreamed of grasping [REDACTED FOR SPOILERS] neck in a non-sexual way since he only had eyes for Bitch since she first looked at him and saw THE DARKNESS INSIDE. He lifted the menu and opened it slowly to savor all the poorly lit photos of seafood dishes.

His eyes alighted on one particular dish. It reminded him of the monastery cafeteria, where Bitch would invite all her students and eat 6 meals a day with them, like any good professor should. The waiter hunched forward through the rubble and the body of his former manager. "What would you like to order, sir?" he asked, having already written down Bitch's order as soon as he met her [EYE COLOR REDACTED FOR SPOILERs] eyes. Dimitri stared the man down like I'm staring down this page deciding on his order like I'm deciding whether or not to start a new paragraph.

"I will have…" Dimitri looked at the menu again, moving to quick and shredding it with his big hamfs which almost encapsulated the entire menu, "…the clamfs." It was all if time stopped, but not in the way Dimitri had felt a million times before whenever Bitch zoned the fuck out on the battlefield and suddenly Dimitri was next to Felix instead of Mercedes and his stomach hurt. This time, the time was stopped in rage, like when I realized I wrote the word time twice and decided to just fucking move on fight me. The waiter couldn't help himself, as soon as the words were out of Dimitri's mouf, he giggled, repeating "clamfs" to himself but unable to write down the order. Dimitri's hanf shot out, and suddenly the waiter found himself lifted off the ground and choking in Dimitri's grasp. They were both thinking the same thing, that Dimitri could leave no evidence of having ever fucked up and said clamfs. The waiter nodded, knowing that the customer is always right, and his vision went black as Dimitri snapped his neck. You might think Bitch would have done something, being a goodish person after all and the main character, but she was used to Dimitri's wanton violence and murder, and considered it part of the healing process, like any good professor would. Dimitri dropped the corpse, the lucky 100th person he had killed that hour. To complete his mission, Dimitri knew he would have to destroy the restaurant even more than it already was. He readied not his relic, the whatever the fuck it's called spear that I keep attacking with in Smash, but his white magic because Bitch was bored and decided Dimitri would be a priest. And hamf in hamf, the two walked out of the Red Lobster, no clamfs, no lobstars, no crafbs, no fish dishes in their moufs. For they knew this detour was unnecessary in the first place, as the only thing that sustained the couple and their hamfs of various sizes…   
…was true wuv.


End file.
